The Big Bang Theory: The Funeral Revelation - Act II
by jfrankliniv
Summary: Penny is mad at Leonard. Leonard is confused with Penny. Nothing really new there, except her father suspects he knows the reason. Can he make things work, or will Penny's old suitors have their way at Leonard's expense? And how does Sheldon explain a shotgun wound in a manly way that makes sense? Only one way to know for sure...


THE FUNERAL REVELATION

ACT II

_SCENE: WYATT's home. HOWARD and RAJ are sitting beside SHELDON who is wearing overalls and has his leg elevated. A large ice pack sits atop his knee. _

HOWARD: So, you're saying that for the sake of ego preservation you want us to tell everyone back home that you were injured by the gunfire rather than from slipping and falling when the shotgun turned out to be loaded with rock salt instead of buckshot?

(_SHELDON glares at him.)_

SHELDON: I don't normally ask for small favors, but I think in this particular instance it would be justified.

RAJ: I disagree. Telling everyone what really happened would be justified! (Pauses) Besides, your story would never explain how had to borrow Wyatt's overalls after you wet your pants.

HOWARD: Yes, and besides, otherwise how else are we ever going to be able to use the words 'Sheldon Cooper' and 'gunplay' in the same sentence?

(_SHELDON's phone buzzes._ _He winces._)

SHELDON: Oh, that's Amy again. I wish that woman could keep her hormones under control.

(_HOWARD raises a smartphone and begins texting._)

SHELDON: Are you texting Bernadette?

HOWARD: No, I'm texting Amy. I took your phone when you passed out.

SHELDON: (Aghast) My phone? What are you texting her?

HOWARD: Relax. I'm telling her that you injured your leg trying to rope a steer. You'll still be manly.

SHELDON: Amy is never going to believe that I became injured riding a horse and trying to lasso an animal.

HOWARD: She will once I finish. Raj and I downloaded a beta test app for Photoshop while you were unconscious. See? (_Shows SHELDON phone._) I even included your cowboy hat!

SHELDON: (Sinks back in chair.) Whatever. Amy Farrah Fowler is much too intelligent to be fooled by such a transparently adolescent prank. I assure you, she will see right through that.

(_His phone rings. Then rings again. Then again. SHELDON makes no move to answer it.)_

RAJ: C'mon dude.

SHELDON: No, I am not going to dignify this setup with a reply.

HOWARD: Okay, then. (Answers phone.) Buckaroo Cooper's phone line. How may I help you?

(_SHELDON attempts to grab phone.)_

HOWARD: Why, yes he is, Amy! Hold on I get him for you! (Hands phone to Sheldon.)

RAJ: Good luck, Buckaroo.

(_Cut to: A different room in WYATT's house. PENNY is sitting on a footrest dabbing her eyes. WYATT enters.)_

WYATT: What's the matter, baby girl?

PENNY: (Surprised.) What? Oh, it's nothing, daddy.

WYATT: Oh, really? (Shakes his head.) I'll never understand women. (_Turns back to her._) Penny, if my daughter shows up at her aunt's wake with an old boyfriend and then makes a scene by throwing a drink in his face and storms out of the room crying, that can be many things, but nothing isn't one of them. (_Sits down next to her._) Tell your father what's bothering you.

PENNY: (Wipes eyes again.) It's…Leonard.

WYATT: What, did he get you pregnant? (Becomes angry.) Because I've got some real buckshot I can load into that gun!

PENNY: No! No, he didn't get me…pregnant.

WYATT: Well, then, what did he do?

PENNY: I don't know…he's…changed me somehow…

WYATT: (Confused) What do you mean?

PENNY: (Turns to face him.) Well, you know how Leonard and his friend are all…kind of…

WYATT: Brainiacs?

PENNY: I was going for 'special' but that'll do.

WYATT: So? So he's smart. What's wrong with that? It's a lot better than I've seen you and your sister bring home before –

PENNY: That's just it! He's – he's –

WYATT: (Exasperated) What?

PENNY: I think he's…ruined…other guys for me. (Sniffs.) I used to think it was just idiots, but being here and talking to all those guys I used to date in high school, I realized I can't relate to them at all anymore either. The only reason any of them ever went out with me was because I was – (_Pauses as she realizes she's talking to her father.)_

WYATT: Accessible?

PENNY: (Shocked) You _knew_?

WYATT: (Disgusted) Baby girl, your father didn't keep that shotgun handy all those years for nothing. And when my daughter keeps telling me that a (_makes quotation marks with fingers) _"rabbit test" is some science project she has to do _all four years _of high school, I think your father deserves a little more credit.

(_PENNY leans on his shoulder.)_

WYATT: But if you like him, why all the drama?

PENNY: (Shakes her head and closes her eyes.) I don't know. It's just that, whenever I'm with him and all his friends, it's like I'm the slowest kid in the class who can't understand what everyone else is saying. I don't fit in with them any more than I do with those other guys. (_Blows nose loudly._) I mean, it's like I'm caught between two entirely different worlds. In one, I'm surrounded by idiots and in the other I feel like one. I can't really relate to either place. It's like I don't know where I belong anymore. (_Starts to cry.)_

WYATT: (Comforting her.) Hey, hey…take it easy. It'll be okay. You're just going through a difficult time right now. (_Pauses_)

PENNY: But how will I know where I belong?

WYATT: (Takes her hands) Look, are you happy with Leonard?

PENNY: Yeah. (Sniffs) Sometimes.

WYATT: Sometimes?

PENNY: Well, yes. (Shrugs) The other times he just annoys me, but I'm used to that. (Pauses) But what does that mean?

WYATT: Well…(Takes her hands in his) I'm your father…so I think you should go with whichever world makes you feel happiest.

PENNY: Even if I don't really understand it?

WYATT: Baby girl, nobody understands love. I don't understand why I ever loved your mother.

PENNY: I thought it was because you knocked Mom up after high school.

WYATT: Well, it may have been – look, we're not talking about me here, alright? (Pauses) Penny, you're my baby girl. I'm always going to want whatever makes you happy, okay?

PENNY: (Smiles) Okay. Thanks, dad.

WYATT: Now, I think you may want to give your friend Leonard an apology. Especially if you want to make him your boyfriend.

PENNY: Oh, that's okay. We've already been dating again, anyway.

WYATT: (Surprised) You've been dating him without telling me?! (Pauses) I will never understand women…(_Leaves. PENNY turns and begins pacing. LEONARD enters.)_

LEONARD: Hey, your dad thought you and I should talk.

PENNY: (Wipes eyes before turning around.) Um, yeah…I thought that would be a good idea.

LEONARD: You want to maybe start with why you threw your drink in my face?

PENNY: (Turns to him.) Um, yeah. I think I – I think I would. (_Grabs him and kisses him passionately._)

LEONARD: (Kisses her back but slowly pushes her back after several seconds.) Um…I'm a little confused.

PENNY: What? About me kissing you or me throwing my drink in your face?

LEONARD: Kinda both, actually.

PENNY: (Sighs) Leonard, remember when I was drunk and I said you ruined me for idiots?

LEONARD: Yeah.

PENNY: Well, it turns out after meeting all the guys I hung out with in high school and college, you pretty much ruined them for me, too.

LEONARD: (Surprised) I did? (Pauses) Cool!

PENNY: (Angry) No, it's NOT cool! Don't you get it?

LEONARD: (Begins looking at her hands)

PENNY: What are you doing?

LEONARD: I dunno. Just making sure you're not holding another drink, I guess.

PENNY: Leonard –

LEONARD: Penny –

PENNY: Leonard!

LEONARD: What? WHAT?

PENNY: (Takes his face in her hand and says very quietly after taking deep breath) I love you, Leonard.

LEONARD: (Stunned) I love you, too. (Pauses) Does this mean you're not going to throw any more drinks in my face now?

PENNY: C'mon! (Takes him by the hand.)

LEONARD: Why? Where are we going?

PENNY: We're going to find a closet and have sex!

LEONARD: We're what? Isn't that a little inappropriate at a wake?

PENNY: Yes, it is.

LEONARD: Fine by me. (_Follows her.) _I'll never understand women!

(_Cut to commercial break.)_

5


End file.
